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So my mom died 37 years ago today. Every year I make a point of putting her picture on Facebook and letting my friends know I’m thinking of her. This is the first year I’m actually writing about her.  I guess until now it’s been to painful. Okay, it’s still painful. Why do I already have tears in my eyes and I haven’t even gotten a paragraph written yet?

Maybe it’s because I just got home from spending a wonderful weekend in Disney World, alone with my son.  He’s 20 now and I know that the time I’m able to spend alone with him is very precious. It’s during these times that the pain of losing her is almost unbearable.

I can’t even imagine what it’s like to have a mother. I daydream sometimes and wonder what it would be like? Would she have come with us this weekend and let us drag her all over the parks?  Could we have coaxed her to at least get on the Merry-Go-Round with us?  Would she have laughed at the look on my face when I rode the Tower of Terror or would she have rolled her eyes like I do at my own kids?  Would she have beamed with pride when her grandson held open every door, to every ride and at every restaurant for others because that’s just who he is?  Would she have cried like I did when I got him to pose with Winnie the Pooh? What would she have said to him as he talked about his future, his plans and hopes and dreams?

I was only 12 when she died. A few months ago I went to a nursing home to see a patient who has dementia.  When I kneeled down to talk to her, she began to very softy stroke my cheek with her hand. I almost fell over.  No one has stroked my cheek like that. Not like a mother does to her child. It rocked me to my core. It can take something like that, something that is is so simple and often taken for granted by so many people, that makes me want to climb right back into bed and pull the covers over my head.

I miss her.. I miss having her tell me everything is going to be okay. I miss her touch and her smell and her hugs. I miss her smile and the way she always made me feel safe.  I miss the things that I never even had a chance to experience.  Special moments and memories that we never got a chance to make.  I miss her every day, in every way.

I don’t care if it’s been 37 years. Today it feels like yesterday. It hurts and it sucks and it’s NOT FAIR!

Until next time,